When you see yourself for the first time

 

Hello friend, 

Maybe that's an exaggeration. But hey, for the very first time, I saw and felt myself today. I saw what I did today, the how's and why's and man did I grasp in wonder!

It's as if I live every single day without much of a care what gets to happen as long as I'm here. I say I don't care but really, I do. I say I don't want to be the center of attention, but part of me likes it more than I would like to admit.

As I dress and adorn my hair to go out.Anywhere; I make sure I put so many things into consideration. Location, amount of time I will be there, who will be there, what I'll be doing and how I'm feeling. Most often than not, I end up being in things because I think and feel as if doing otherwise, (what I want) would somewhat drive some chatter about me wherever. What if people say this or that? What if they think I'm this kind of person, what if they hate me?

So all that just in the hope of having a somebody like me so much. What happens then? I mean, I don't expect the people I see think I mind what they are on about! 

It took Ell saying "why do you care so much about what people say?" to get me thinking about my attitude and behavior towards things or what I would like to do versus what I really get to do is different and not so real.

Do these people really care what I get to do or how? Nope. They don't even think about it and here I am stressing about "ooooh, they could think this or that and say that and blah blah blah and man, how will I feel and what will I do? What's going to happen then? What if things change." Lol! Sounds irrational but that's me sometimes.

It took me looking over my day and what I did and being told it wasn't cool and knowing deep down that it was as such for a matter of fact, to get me to this point-to say that it does matter what I think of me not you or them. If I'm okay with me, it's fine. I will do whatever and say whatever and people will look and whatever else but it shouldn't stop me from being and doing whatever I want.

Sure, it's not easy. Is anything at all? Nope! Afraid. Yes! It's okay. But would you rather sweat to impress the unimpresseable or be giddy and afraid but like the thrill of doing what you like?

Sometimes, it's some of my feelings. emotions and thoughts that I literally let to hold a rally in my head and do whatever they want-control me. What I do. My responses to every stimuli. Like, be angry and drive everyone insane, take some caffeine and be hyper, annoy everyone and do something stupid...or insert here(...)

Anywho, being mindful is important. Take time to step back and look at your life. The decisions and choices you make. Your actions and reactions and well, what do you have in mind? What would you want to change or keep??

P. S: Reward activities that suggest the character or personality you want to be attached to you.-James Clear

P. P. S: I liked this devotional about "Faith over feelings"    https://deepspirituality.com/faith-over-feelings/. If you're such an emotional being who is somewhat of a Control freak like me, check it out!

Until next time:)