Am here

 “It wasn’t about him

I was the one all along

I wouldn’t see it

I run away from myself 

(How could it have happened?)

Afraid the monster in me was

Going to make me forget myself”

***

I’ve hurt and hated. I’ve been

There. Crushed and paralysed

Broken and entranced by fear. Of 

Abandonment. Fear of being alone-forever

Being left out. The odd ball. Second best. A

Loser. Not smart enough. Just average-a fool

I’ve done to hear good and nice attached 

To my name. to keep them

From leaving-They left anyway

In the end. I am what I am

And it doesn’t matter all else

I’ve come to accept me

I wont lie, am still on my road

There. but self-love ain’t selfish

It has drowned the self-hate

self-harm, the thoughts and feelings of 

Worthlessness, shame and guilt-vulnerability

 Aloneness/loneliness.

The love I give to

The body and mind that houses my

Spirit makes me a better person. It

Helps me focus on me. To

Turn a deaf ear/ blind eye on what I

Ought to be as presented by here

and be what my 

Core needs me to be. What I want

And need to live

There is one way of doing it love

Love! 

God is-the universe!

***

When you said ‘Do I have to force you to talk 

To me every time?’ it hit a nerve. I realized

I didn’t know or think I had the right

 to express myself. I thought I needed

permission. For you to say, ‘go on!’. I

needed you to say, ‘tell me!’. To beg me

to say, ‘what’s on your mind?’ No matter

how vile. 

That need. That urgency from 

you to hear me. My thoughts and feelings. Opinions. It drives

me to speak. It’s like permission granted-the liberation

‘Spill the poison from your head! I 

Need you alive’

When I say, I don’t know how 

To say it, I mean, “please, tell me

To ‘just say it. Am here!’”

***

I thought you were in my way

I couldn’t… because of you

I wouldn’t… there was no time

Because of you

I thought you were in my way

I couldn’t see it was all me

I wouldn’t let myself be because of me and

Everyone else but me. I blamed 

Time and everything I couldn’t control

I thought you were in my way

It was fear all along. It was my fixed mindset.

I feared change. The unknown

Failing at the face of a new challenge

Winning at the familiar was safe

I was in my way all along

The truth has set me free. I know it!