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Hey,
Am thinking a lot. About everything. Am sick of missing the only person who seems to be away from me. It hurts. It hurts badly. But I can't force him to hang out with me. Besides, he is his own person and sometimes it's good that am no-ed to. I hate it. A lot. They say you should never say anything bad about yourself but heck, I think I suck and am nobody and I don’t know if I can be somebody and seeing everyone become somebody is overwhelming me and leaving me feeling am nothing and I have never done a thing and I don’t matter and am a waste of space and air and if am doing nothing then I should go away. Maybe some of us are better at going away. Doing literally nothing. All this thing happening around me is making me, leaving me feeling like everything is done and there is nothing I can do and there is nothing I think I can do because it seems I don’t know how to think. All I know is food is so good and lately am having great appetites for eating because am so freaking good at it. The food knows it and you know it. So, I get close to it and it gives me its benefits.
I hate that thing were I start something today and they I don’t do it until after 2 or 3 years or days. It's like I want to do what I want to do now and it's as if it's all that matters and all else is almost like nothing and I get all this feeling like what? What am I even writing, should I be doing this? Then what should I be doing? I can't do what others do because I don’t like being the centre of attention and probably it is not of my interest whatsoever. But am afraid. Am afraid of so many things. Am afraid of hitting 30 and not having done much apart from perhaps gotten a degree and to have become wide, am afraid of being ordinary to the point that it seems that in my tremendous effort to be extraordinary, my being is betraying me by being so mundane. Am afraid of seeing myself going away and not being happy with the fact.
Am afraid I literally don’t know if what am doing is right, what I write, my thinking, I wonder, am afraid I don’t know what I should do sometimes so I do what comes to mind and sometimes I ignore the ideas because am afraid if I put them out, they will be rubbish or if I try them, it will be failure all the way through. But it seems. No, it doesn’t. am just sick of being afraid of things and being afraid of being afraid and of being afraid of trying. Does it make a difference? I mean, a moment is gone once lived. These past weeks have taught me a great deal about moments. Once gone, they are not coming back forever. Don’t take what you have right now for granted. Don’t take TIME you have for granted. Use it ferociously wisely. You don’t want to be like me or feel like I am right now. Wishing I was better in moments already gone. But it doesn’t even do me any good thinking about them when there is now and tomorrow. From now onwards, I appreciate time. I respect time very much. Time is all we have to do all we do. It matters how we use it.
Someone said we mostly remember moments than things we do at points later. The moments that make a difference. Me? I feel like am living more in books because m so close to everyone there and I can talk to these fictional characters about what is going on and they will tell me to keep my thoughts to myself because it is their story. Well, I listen. Am a good listener. I think I am. Words are like these weapons and humans with emotions on the same time because once some are spoken. Am left with them for minutes. Feeling every bit of them inside of me. Speechless. Numb to everything but the feeling. What's wrong? Nothing is wrong. I just get lost sometimes, I guess. Or just get into those moments where my mouth goes so dry and it's as if I don’t have a tongue or a mind of mine own to think about what to say.
I've actually been thinking of ghosting my own blog. Just stopping everything. And then I was haunted with the idea. What then after you stop? And there it was again. Nothing. Silence. And that inklingish feeling. Fear in other words. If you quit this, won't you just be as mundane as a mundane person can be. Someone who does things as they are presented. Whatsoever, doing nothing by waking up to a routine and then going to sleep. I mean, what about the dream of writing more, if you can't do this, I bet you can't do that. So, I just sat myself down and thought that perhaps my mind is right in saying I should tend to things I love like writing and not neglect them over my mood or school. School won't make me feel better when am somewhere whenever and not writing as much. And here we are not including academics.
I hate the idea of school when I don’t want to study or wake up to get to school. All I want to think about it just reading stories and getting entertained and then moving to the next and the next. But that’s not how it happens or how it should be. Do something. She tells me yet again. What? I ask. What should I do? What do I like, don’t tell me writing or reading, tell me something? Silence.
Any who, its good I have things I love. They are life I think to me. Take them away, you are saying goodbye to yours truly. I wonder why I keep hoping sometimes. I never stop. I just have it. I hope and I hope. Someday, I will be better than this. Maybe know myself better. And write a little more constructively and not leave the reader wondering what something is about. Maybe I should have mentioned from the beginning. Am writing about nothing. My condolences if at all your heart is shattered. Mine feels grand as it is. It feels good to write my thoughts away. However random.
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