WHAT MATTERS

 Hello frined!

in thinking alot today, here is what i found myself putting in balck and white;

What matters?

20 years ago, I was born. It seems like a long time ago because it is. I have lived indeed but it is not enough to have gathered around so much information on how to live or survive planet earth. It seems as I have found, that knowledge and wisdom is infinite it has no ending and no one can know all that is needed to know because it would require them their lifetime plus everybody else's and that’s including before the beginning of time, you will have to know what was before for what is now to be.

 

I was doing some thinking today and that is mostly because I got quiet. Really quiet with myself. Alone. I was tired of watching television and tired of studying and reading novels. I just wanted to rest. To just forget everything for a moment. To blink out of everything and come back all fresh and ready to tackle it all. But I did not sleep. My dreams refused to come because my mind was busy contemplating about me. My life. How am living it. It dawned on me that I have always avoided being alone. Always. The only reason being that am afraid of finding out who I am. Who am i? and does it matter?

 

They say if you want to truly know yourself, you have to be silent. Be in a quiet place and monitor your mind. What is passing through. The random thoughts, the ideas that come and go. Then you would know what you are most in thought for. What your mind likes to gravitate to and then, if you don’t like it, you will take it up to yourself to invite thoughts of your liking in mind. It's possible.

 

In moments like these, when am trying to run away from my thoughts, I like to talk to someone, or write something, anything. Sometimes I like to just eat while watching something mindlessly. Am afraid of myself. Of knowing what id inside of me. What if its good? What if it's bad? And now am asking, does it matter? No. it doesn’t. I think it doesn’t. I got myself all quiet in my room and I was talking as I rested my body on the bed. Looking at the ceiling in a dim light. Quite intimate I would say. Isn't it romantic. Just the two of us, alone. Me and silence. Or should I say my mind and daylight? Guess what I was thinking?

 

Does it matter that am here now, on this bed thinking about life? Does it matter that am doing school and it seems it's all I think about as if someone said all there is to life is reading and getting your grades right? Does it matter if I fine, get the degree, say with honors, what then? Does it matter if with every breaking dawn, I think, what will tomorrow be like? I wonder how I will look like when am 30? Will I have children, be married at all? Will I still be writing and will I still think it's cool to drink a glass of warm water first thing in the morning? I wonder. Does it matter if I get all I want? All I think people want me to have or all that I imagine I want others think of me having or just literally all my fancies?

 

I wonder if it all matters because what am thinking now is that what matters is me living every day. Really being in every moment, thinking about it and not another supposed day and think, I think tomorrow will be better because I plan to snack and binge watch my favorite series all day and then sleep? Am thinking what really matters is what my heart desires. Can you believe it. I should say imagine. And do it. LoL! Can you imagine that I just realized today when I was thinking when I got my mind all quiet that I actually have a HEART and it does have DESIRES and PASSIONS. Can you believe that it never dawned on me that it matters not if I do things for the sake of it. I have to do it with me. All of me. That’s how I can truly enjoy the moments I get to have.

 

The realization that brought tears to my eyes and wonder I my heart that it is alive made me think of something I read somewhere or perhaps heard. Am not so sure. That it's possible to go through life, experience your first breath, kiss, failure, success, love, pain, frustration, get married or not, all of it not knowing it is happening. Not fully experiencing it because of being lost in plain sight. Everyone can see you and yet somehow, there is that element of being lost. Doing things simply because others are doing them or because it sounds like a great idea or why not or well, all you are thinking sure. It made me sad. It made me sad. I was quiet for some time and all I wanted was to be in a warm embrace where I would just silence myself into a lifeless dream and be awoken to being given some delicious food to feast my eyes on. Sunrise.

 

Think about what you are doing. Make sure it is what you want to do. w=make sure your heart is in what you are doing and do it with all of you. Get lost in the moment. Let life bring you to itself. Let it breath through you. Feel it around you. In your eyes as you see every wonder around, your ears In so many sound melodies, your skin as it gets all feely to touch by you or indeed, air. Life is precious. Now I understand we go through a lot. Yes life happens. It has to. Just respond to every situation as best as you can. Choose to see the best in everything. Be around people and share your story and listen to theirs. If you listen you will be heard and yes indeed, the angels appear to those who seek.-Sia. Just make sure you put you first. It isn't selfish. Because if you do you first, you are putting everyone first. If you are happy, you make those around you happy.

 

If you are seriously reading all this, thank you! Know I love you. And love yourself too. Become it. I will stop here.

 

What matters to you? Tell me. What would you go to the end of the world for?

Will it matter that you don’t sleep today, tomorrow? Is it worth it?