The unknown feeling

 Dear reader,

Am sure you are going through something. It could be anything. Here is what happened to me last week.

I was going through my day on Monday thinking about the so many things that I need to do and how much I need to do them. I discovered I had so many things to study as well as assignments. And then I had a blog to think about and all else. Everything was running through my mind all at once and I felt so overwhelmed. How am I going to get through all this? Is it necessary? I was asking myself if I needed to go on being in school and on this planet.

 I thought about so much that I started feeling bad about everything. Bad to be here. Feeling I don’t belong and that I think I don’t know what am doing or how I should do it right. Asking myself if I have to really do it. 

I started being way too negative to the point of having so many negative thoughts crowd my mind. There was literally no place to call safe heaven. I wish my mind was not mine. I wanted to be gone. I wanted to cease being for a few minutes. Have some rest and come back to life. It was as if the world and everything was going on way too fast and I could catch up. Am I even supposed to catch up with it? I asked..

With each days passing I told myself I will feel better tomorrow. That it's just an emotion that will pass with time.

 But it only got heavy. It weighed down on me so much that come Friday, my body couldn’t take it anymore. My mind was feeling heavily burdened. And I didn’t want to do anything. I thought to myself, perhaps I should quit this life. But then, do what afterwards, the answer was, nothing! I thought of the bad urges I had of falling from a high platform to mother earth or Gaeia if we are speaking Greek myth. And I thought of the thoughts of hugging the front of a car and the weird phobias that kept on flooding my mind. Making me feel unsafe in my safe sanctuary. It wasn’t worth breathing. Only going away for a while was. I was out of my mind. I was in pain. My emotions and feelings were deciding for me. I couldn’t think for myself.

I broke into uncontrollable bursts of waterfall that could not stop. A being close to me, giving me a shoulder to make wet made it even worse. My mind wanted to let it all out. All the bottled-up emotions and feelings. All the pain. All the unknown bad feeling. I wanted it all gone. I wanted to feel better. A feeling I couldn’t think possible. Am I going to be okay? No was the only answer. But my being was filled in so much sorrow I had to lie down and let the water fall down my cheeks as much as it wanted and not care about it. Let it exhaust itself. I thought. 

What I was feeling, I can only describe by saying that it was really bad. It made me crave death's embrace and the sprit's world. It made me feel out of control. Alien in my own body. Unsure of myself. Everything around me. Nothing made sense. School. Home. Love. Me. God? Does he really exist? Can he answer me if I ask for anything at all. Maybe you call that higher power the universe or high one or nature. It was my last hope. My last option. I wanted to feel better and I had to consult the mighty power that everyone says does wonders. He answers your prayers! They say.

So I prayed. I was actually talking to him. I told him I didn’t know what was going on with me. What I was feeling and everything. I told him about how am detesting myself so much it makes my heart hurt and I feel so sorry am in tears for myself. I lied down on a bed and told him he has to help me go on because I can't on my own. I told him if he can't help me then I will be gone. I told him to give me rest. To take up my burden because it was too great for me to handle. And then I just stayed there all quiet and felt my tears suddenly dry and my mind feel suddenly lighter and at peace. 

Life is truly such a blessing! I thought to myself. And yes indeed, there is god who listens to everyone of your word. You might have a different name for him. But then, he likes it when you are with him all the times, not just when it seems all dark.

That experience made me to devote from then onward, to doing mini devotions every day after I wake up. Going through the day like that makes me feel safe and confident.

 

What do you do when you don’t know what to do?

What do you do when everything seems to be falling apart?

What do you do when you things are not as they were or seem to be?

 

Note: pain is temporary. It demands to be felt. Feel it. Let go! You will be fine

Here is what I wrote in all the low

…wake up. Work yourself up!

…some emotions are there to weigh you down, don’t listen to them. Don’t let them control you. Sometimes, you have to control your emotions.

…pray.pray.pray.

…fake it till you make it.

…find that thing that keeps you feeling vibrant deep within. Keep it close.