A little jealous

Dear reader,

 Jealous...literal meaning

'Feeling or showing an envious resentment of someone or their achievements, possessions or perceived advantages'

And I know; resentment is a feeling of bitterness at having been treated unfairly

It’s the first result to come up when you google jealous. I have had instances. So many of them where I have said, ‘Aaaaww! I am so proud of you. That’s amazing’. Where I have had the feeling of happiness for someone’s achievement and yet on the same time, felt jealous and angry or sad that it wasn’t me. I would go like, how come she gets to have good grades (girl, seriously? Study!), be that good at say being a leader or young adult (who is anyway). How come she gets to be so comfortable in herself that she unapologetically does just whatever she wants regardless of who it is that sees or what people say.

In his heart, the yellow guy here is saying, 'Aaaaww, that's amazing and ooh no! Too bad it isn't me. And then, why isn't it me?'

Jealousy is something that I have identified with for quite some time. I have had me feeling sorry for myself for not being what I wanted. I have had me feeling so bitter and angry or sad for not being able to get myself there. How come I didn’t know how?

I was having this conversation with my human teddy today, and I was rumbling about some scenarios that happened somewhere. I sounded somewhat upset I can imagine and he said, someone sounds being jealous. He was right. I was.

It is freeing to know that I was jealous and he recognised it. I said it to myself later. I’m being jealous. Suddenly I saw it and I think I laughed. Like wow! How come I didn’t see it. The whole being happy and not so much so for people’s achievements, wishing it was me, wondering why they are a better leader or young adult than me. And especially how they could be so apologetic about themselves. 

I wondered why I was jealous. I have never really thought about it but I could see and feel it when I was with people and on social media sometimes. In the scowl on my face or sudden comparison and sadness. In the sudden criticism of everything I do. Why can’t you just be better? But it’s like with time, with the changes I have been experiencing. Growing up. I just realised that I have just come to this state of elation about myself and life and GOD. Me! I just feel happy. It doesn’t make sense to be jealous for others anymore. What makes sense is being happy for them.

"I know for certainty that someone else’s ability doesn’t mean my inability. It’s just a sure sign that this is possible."

For the first time in my life, I feel happy. Genuinely happy for people's achievements. I am not weeping that it is not me. I am celebrating. Seeing other people’s achievements actually empowers me. I feel that I am very capable of anything and more because people have done it.

Until next time!😊😊