Some thoughts on age, life and death

It came to me as a surprise when I turned 21. I was alive. Which is more than I could ever have imagined or thought in my wildest dreams. I thought I was going to be dead by then. Of course, my mother was happy her baby was all big.

I think age is such a funny thing. When I was little, it never really registered to me. I was a girl. And I was surrounded by people of different ages. They were just bigger than me. That’s all I knew to be. No such thing as death. Or that I would be in the position of a girl in college someday telling a little girl to behave. The world was mine. I was never going to come to the end of it. That’s how I imagined it. And then, on my 12th birthday, something changed.

I realised people do come to an end. One way or the other. Sure, my first encounter with death was when my mom and dad wore black. There was a sad mood. They were going to a funeral somewhere. We were left home. Children don’t go to funerals, I thought. Only parents do.

I was fond of reading the bible, still am. When Christ Jesus turned 12, he did some great things. He spoke of the good news and he said he loved being in his father's house when his parents came looking for him. He meant God. When I was 12 years old, I remember sitting on one of the church benches listening to a preaching with a friend besides me thinking, I am special. I will do great things. Just like Jesus who did something great at 12, so will I. I'm I not God's beloved?

Before I knew it, the years started adding up, one after another. And I still dreamt and thought, I was going to be one of the youngest people to do something great. The trick is, I never knew what that was going to be. But I felt invincible and amazing. I felt smart and special.

When I was 16, I wrote my MSCE exams. Or should I say high school leaving exams. All through high school, I wanted to go to college. I wanted to become a psychologist and or a scientist. Anyways, so I am on holiday and I call a friend of mine. I ask her how she is spending much of her time and she says, 'I'm mostly reading. I don’t want to become so dumb with doing nothing' I thought, nice. I think I should do that too. I already liked reading books. This time around, I did it more. I didn’t want to become dull as I waited for my results to come out. When I was 16, I read books, wrote in my diaries and dreamt of becoming one of the youngest authors to live. I thought that was going to make me special. Perhaps, it was the thing I was waiting for. It was supposed to happen now.

I painfully added number 1 to 16, then 17, then 18 and then 19. And so forth. Each year, I felt discouraged, frustrated. Disappointed at myself. How come I wasn’t anything. Was I really special. I guess I was kidding myself. I never imagined being an adult. Someone responsible ever. And when I turned 21, I thought no. This wasn’t supposed to happen, not part of the plan. I didn’t know I was going to get here and not to have been accomplished already. I don’t feel equipped to live my life. To be myself. To take care of me.

I am the first born in a family of three girls. I hated it for a while. I never asked to come first. I never asked to be responsible for anyone coming after me regardless of whether we are related or not. But anyway.

This year, I clocked 23 years old. Well, it was different. I was this young lady who had just graduated and was working. Living far from home. How is that for being responsible. How is that for being a nice grown up. You are working and well, you are not doing nothing. So that’s something. My definition of special changed over the years. My 20s that is. And I know, it's just been three years. But, it's a lot.

I decided that I am special in and of itself for simply existing and being alive. For being here. I was planned by a great God. Also, I have accomplished amazing things that I think make me special. One of them is realising life is a gift and it is to be lived. No matter how, it is all living. Not to be taken for granted. We are special when we use our GOD given gifts, talents. When we gain some skills and abilities and use them as though for GOD, that’s special. Its saying thanks God, this is such a wonderful thing I can do, not everyone can do it. But again, some people can and have before me. It's amazing how I can learn from them and become better. How in sharing my skills and life, somehow someone somewhere, gets to feel seen. Alive. Heard. Now that’s something special.

Age. I saw some pictures on people's statuses today. People turning 50! Imagine that. I saw that and I thought to myself, well, will I get there. And if so, how will I look like. Snap out of it! I had to say that. You are only 23. Why would you think about all that. Does it matter. Well, it matters to me. It matters because I want to be 50 and be sure to have lived and continue to do so. I want to be 50 and look back and say, that was fun. Here is to being older and fun (cheers). I want to be exhausted. To have used my ideas and to be living my dreams. It just made me feel sad that I couldn’t know and can't know off my head about what I will be like at 50. But again, we all know that if you want to know what you will be like in 30 or 40 days, look at your habits. Though small, they make such a huge impact.

I was like, it's no use worrying how you will look like, look at your mother or father. They are in their 40s and look really good. Also, why worry about what isn't here. Live now. Tomorrow will have its own worries.

I will die. And so will you. How is death supposed to make me feel happy about life? Knowing you will go at some point is enough fuel to live. Dreams are of no use in the grave. So, if there is anything to be done, now is the time.

I am 23 years old and 2 months. Well, it's something. I was laughing just now. I remember being at the clinic before my 22nd birthday. It was on a day like tomorrow and the nurse wanted to know how old I was. I said, I am 21 years old. She said, but you are 22. I said no, I'm 21. I turn 22 tomorrow. Age is such a scam! She said and I laughed. So yeah, I guess in the end, age is just a number.

Until next time, Say cheese!